Let’s Talk: Living A Double Life
- andreasachs1
- Nov 13
- 5 min read
By Dr. Nancy Fishman / Morgan Hill, Calif.
It is always shocking to learn that a person we thought we knew turns out to be somebody else completely. What makes a few people develop a secret life hidden from family, friends, neighbors, and co-workers? How do they do it, and why?
On Oct. 5, the New York Times published a story about Dr. Ian Roberts, the superintendent of the Des Moines, Iowa public schools. When Roberts was arrested on Sept. 26 by federal immigration agents, the veil of lies and deception he had been hiding behind fell away, revealing the superintendent’s willingness to provide false information about himself. He was so used to lying that it was a natural reflex for him to lie to the authorities.
Many people construct social scaffolding to prevent others from discovering sordid details of a sketchy past, thereby setting themselves up to live a double life. Their goal is to protect their unacceptable truths. A less common practice of leading a double life is when a person actually lives two separate lives: one in public and the other in private. These individuals seek feelings of power and competence from their escapades. In my private practice as a therapist, I encountered many people like the three men I present below, who had built elaborate parallel lives to reap the emotional rewards associated with their deceptions. The names and personal details of these three men have been changed to protect their privacy.
Everyone loved Stuart! He was the life of the party. You could always depend on him to throw the most elaborate barbeques, show up with the grandest bouquets of flowers, and create the most memorable moments.
At an early age, Stuart imagined becoming rich and famous. After accounting school, he married a young woman from a wealthy family and set his agenda on financial success equal to her father. Twenty years and four children later, Stuart’s wife asked for a divorce when she caught him with another woman.
Stuart’s world began to unravel, and he was no longer able to hold up the facade he had worked so tirelessly to protect. He had been living a double life. Having an affair was the just tip of the iceberg. His wife also discovered her husband had convinced his clients to invest in a phantom business so he could use their money for get-rich-quick investments of his own. In truth, he was flat broke and about to lose their home.
In the public arena, Stuart appeared happily married with a very successful career. He flashed his persona all over town while maintaining a secret life where feelings of success were derived from fooling everyone. Getting away with illegal acts and antisocial behavior gave him a thrill to which he became addicted.
Mitchell was the most popular boy in high school. He was admired for his pleasing personality, athleticism, and leadership skills. He struggled to feel whole, however, because his parents undermined his accomplishments. They also kept him on a short leash where it was nearly impossible for him to gain a sense of independence and thus personal power.
Mitchell developed a double life early. When everyone expected him to be loyal to his high school girlfriend, he had secret liaisons with girls who reinforced his need to be admired as a separate, competent individual, feelings he couldn’t seem to accomplish on his own. Any guilt feelings he had from cheating were supersceded by feelings of power he derived from getting away with actions he could claim as his own.
Mitchell married several times, chasing the image he needed to portray as a competent, independent person. He justified extramarital encounters, claiming unhappiness. All the while, he lacked the spine to speak up for what he really wanted, always falling into situations over which he exercised no control. He never gave up his parallel lane because it produced more feelings of power than anything else he did in life.
Frank grew up in a strict, religious home. He was not able to experiment freely on the road to self-discovery. After high school, while still living in his family home, Frank began drinking and gambling secretly. Not getting caught gave him the feeling of personal power he had lacked during childhood. He sought other ways to get those feelings, thus embarking on a parallel path. During the day, he worked as an electrical engineer and appeared to be an upstanding citizen. After hours, though, he turned into a different man completely.
Eventually, Frank married an unsuspecting woman who believed him to be a regular guy with a regular job and a regular paycheck. Little did she know that Frank would have to up his game through the years to get that powerful feeling he so craved. When their marriage came to an end after 23 years, his wife learned that before they were married, Frank had been in the federal penitentiary for forging checks. While married and right under her nose, Frank had extorted millions of dollars from the company where he was employed. He also had another wife and children living three hours away. Like Stuart and Mitchell, Frank crucially needed the thrill of getting away with illegal and antisocial behaviors.
People who resort to constructing a secret life along with their public one, are desperate for the feeling of personal power. They typically have difficulty making their own decisions, speaking up to have their needs met, and saying no when they don’t want something. Family and friends see them as happily compliant because they rarely object. Rather than risk failure in their public lives, they devise alternative living arrangements where they can carry out the fantasy of being competent, successful, and powerful.
These three people are examples of living outside the boundaries of their public lives, seeking feelings of power in ways they didn’t have the confidence to attain out in the open. They may have started innocently enough, but when they felt the surge of power the clandestine behaviors produced, they ultimately could not live without it, regardless of the risks. The thrill of getting away with the activities they enjoyed in their secret lives only compounded this enormous ego need.
In short, a weak ego and a lack of confidence are two elements that, when intersected with experiences that produce the euphoria of power, can entice individuals to develop double lives upon which they become completely dependent.
This column is devoted to psychological topics that speak to the human condition, such as relationships, family, love, loss, and happiness. The ideas, thoughts, philosophies, and observations expressed here are personal and not meant as professional advice. Names and identifying information have been changed to protect the privacy of real people.
Dr. Nancy Fishman moved to Santa Clara County in 2016 from Michigan, where she was a practicing psychologist. Currently, she is a strategy consultant to individuals, families, businesses, family law attorneys and their clients--working on coping, managing, reorganizing, pivoting and innovating. She is the founder of Forgotten Harvest, one of the nation’s largest food recovery operation, and is also the creator of Silicon Valley’s A La Carte food recovery and distribution initiative. Nancy lives on a family compound with her husband, sisters, brother-in-law, and a pack of dogs.