August 6, 2020
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Alarmed by his plunging poll numbers, Donald J. Trump is actively considering replacing Mike Pence on the G.O.P. ticket with a Confederate statue, White House sources have revealed.
According to the sources, Trump is currently considering a short list of Confederate monuments to swap for Pence, including statues of Robert E. Lee, Stonewall Jackson, and Jefferson Davis.
Reportedly, Trump believes that replacing Pence with a Confederate statue is just what his campaign needs to energize his base.
“Plus, he’ll finally have someone in his inner circle who won’t write a book,” one source said.
According to the same source, choosing among the Confederate statues is shaping up to be the toughest decision of Trump’s Presidency. “He thinks they’re all very fine people,” the source said.
But another White House insider was less sanguine about the strengths a Confederate statue would bring to Trump’s reelection effort.
“Replacing Pence with an inanimate object seems like a wash to me,” the insider said.