By Lydia Hope Wilen / New York City
When was the last time you said that because you were about to tell someone a joke? Can’t remember? It’s been that long since you’ve told someone a joke?
Time was when you’d hear a good joke and couldn’t wait to tell it to someone else…usually the next person you spoke to.
Now, thanks to the Internet, funny stuff–cartoons, an occasional joke and endless lists of paraprosdokians (figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence is unexpected), riddles, puns and one-liners, mostly for and about the senior population and/or the quality of life because of technology—all come to us via email or texts.
Wouldn’t you like to experience the joy of making someone laugh in person and hearing that laughter? This is your chance with one or more of the following jokes that you find funny and are willing to share with friends or family, on the phone or in person.
The perfect opening for this joke is when you’re in a conversation about something seen on YouTube. Slip this in and listen for the laughter:
Rumor has it that YouTube, Twitter and Facebook will merge and be called
YouTwitFace!
Not your cup of tee-hee? Try this one when you’re on the subject of imbibing:
An elderly couple is sitting on their patio. While sipping her glass of wine, the wife says, “I love you so much, I don’t know how I could ever live without you.” Her husband hears that and asks, “Was that you or the wine talking?” She answers, “It’s me, talking to the wine.”
If you’re good at remembering details, and want to make a point about…well, you’ll decide about the point it makes:
Adam is hanging around the Garden of Eden, feeling very lonely. So God asks him, “What’s wrong?” When Adam says he doesn’t have anyone to talk to, God tells him He is going to make Adam a companion and that it will be a woman.
God adds; “This beautiful woman will gather and prepare food for you and when you discover clothing, she will do your laundry and she will keep your living quarters clean. She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you. If you have a disagreement, she will always be the first to admit she was wrong. She will praise you! She will bear your children and will not ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you passion whenever you need or want it.
Adam is awed by this and asks, “God, what will a woman like this cost?” Without hesitation, God replies, “An arm and a leg.”
Adam thinks about the exorbitant, debilitating cost…“An arm and a leg?” After giving it much thought, Adam asks God, “What can I get for a rib?”
Of course, the rest is history!
If you’re speaking to a woman who is doing what was once considered a man’s job, this a-little-off-color joke may be appropriate and appreciated:
The airplane takes off and the flight attendant does her routine about seat belts and emergency exits. She finishes her shpiel with, “Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Alyssa Bivens, and the crew take you safely to your destination.”
After hearing that, a nearby male passenger gets the attention of the attendant. and asks, “Did I hear you right? Is the captain a woman?” She smiles and says, “Yes. In fact, the entire crew is female.”
The passenger becomes outraged. “My God, I would have had two double scotch-and-sodas had I known there were only women in the cockpit.”
“That’s another thing, sir, we no longer call it the cockpit. Now it’s the box office!”
Next time you talk to a pet lover, let them in on this encounter:
A friend takes her sick poodle to the vet. They are both taken to the examining room. Soon a Labrador comes in, sniffs the poodle for 10 minutes and leaves. Then an Abyssinian comes in, purrs and stares at the poodle for 10 minutes and leaves. Finally, the vet comes in, prescribes some medicine and hands my friend a bill for $250. She gasps. “Doctor, we’ve been here for 20 minutes and you give me a bill for $250? There must be some kind of mistake.” “No mistake,” the doctor says, “$50 for the medicine, $100 for the Lab Test, and $100 for the Cat Scan.”
If you’re having a controversial conversation with someone and simple logic is the key to unraveling the controversy in question, you may want to ask:
“Why do scuba divers jump backwards out of the boat?” The answer: “Because if they jumped forward, they’d still be in the boat.”
Ever talk to someone and have a misunderstanding? Smooth things over by telling them about this father and son:
An elderly man backs into an expensive sports car. Enraged, the guy gets out of his car and confronts the old man. “Look what you did to my car” he yells. “You’re gonna give me $10,000 right now or I’m gonna beat you to a bloody pulp!”
The old man says, “I don’t have that kind of money. Let me call my son. He trains dolphins and he’ll know what to do.”
“Dolphins”, the guy repeats, rolling his eyes.
The old man takes out his phone, calls his son and just as the son answers, the irate guy snatches the phone away from the old man. “So, you’re a dolphin trainer, huh? Well your old man here just dented my car and I need ten grand right now or I’m gonna beat you AND your old man to a bloody pulp.”
“I’ll be there in a few minutes” says the son, calmly on the other end of the phone.
Sure enough, a few minutes later, a jeep pulls up and a man hops out and proceeds to pulverize the bully, leaving him in a bloody heap by his car. After making sure his father is fine, he says to him, “For the last time Dad, I train SEALS…NAVY SEALS…not dolphins.”
Another clearing up of a misunderstanding:
Ron decides to marry his longtime girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he is organizing his golfing equipment. His wife is standing nearby watching him. After a long period of silence, she finally says, “Ron, I’ve been thinking, now that we’re married, maybe it’s time you quit golfing. You spend so much time on the course. You could probably get a good price for your clubs.”
Ron gets this horrified look on his face.
She says, “Darling, what’s wrong?”
He says, “For a minute there you were beginning to sound like my ex-wife.”
“Ex-wife?” she screams. “I didn’t know you were married before!”
“I wasn’t,” he replies.
A high school boy asks a girl to be his date for the prom and she says yes. In order to get her a corsage, he waits an hour on line at the florist. In order to get himself a tuxedo, he has to wait another hour on line at the tuxedo rental shop. Finally, he and his date get to the prom. The girl asks the boy to get her a glass of fruit punch and so he goes to get it. Much to his surprise, there was no punch line.
Am I hearing groans? If any of your jokes evoke groans, just know that it’s another form of laughter. However, it is best to tell jokes with a punchline and join in the listener’s laughter. It makes it a real win-win.
If you have a favorite joke, call and tell me. I’m only kidding. Share it in the comment box below, letting readers laugh and then call someone else to tell it to.
Lydia Hope Wilen had a successful collaboration with her late sister Joany as nonfiction bestselling authors (18 books), journalists, TV personalities, writers and talent coordinators on a Nickelodeon series hosted by Leonard Nimoy, Reading Rainbow episodes, skit writers for Dr. Ruth's TV show, Diet America Challenge on CBS, and writers of screenplays (optioned but not produced yet).
Lydia is writing on her own now and has just completed an extraordinary book for young people and their parents. It will have them laughing and learning...once she gets an agent and it gets published.