September 9, 2022
MOSCOW (The Borowitz Report)—Amid reports that the Russian front has collapsed near Kharkiv, Vladimir Putin complained that the only reason he is losing the war in Ukraine is that the F.B.I. recently seized stuff he needed.
“I’m not going to go into detail, but there were things I needed, very important things, that the F.B.I. has confiscated that should have been sent to me,” the Russian President said. “If I had those things right now, I wouldn’t be getting my ass kicked all over Kharkiv.”
The fact that materials intended for him are in the hands of the F.B.I. has made him question “whether America is really a democracy,” he said.
“I think if you pay for something—and I mean pay in cash—it should be sent to you,” he said. “Hopefully the special master will straighten all this out.”
Andy Borowitz is a Times best-selling author and a comedian who has written for The New Yorker since 1998. He writes The Borowitz Report, a satirical column on the news.