December 16, 2021
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—As it emerged that Representative Jim Jordan sent a text to Mark Meadows outlining a plan to overturn the 2020 election, millions of Americans were stunned to learn that Jordan is capable of writing a text.
“If this is true, then Jim Jordan has command of the English language and the capacity to assemble letters to form words,” Carol Foyler, a resident of St. Louis, said. “I have to admit I’m having trouble processing this.”
“Color me skeptical,” Harland Dorrinson, who lives in Akron, Ohio, said, “but, unless I see a video of Jim Jordan actually typing a text with his own thumbs, this so-called news story doesn’t pass the smell test.”
Reports that Jordan is capable of writing a text also provoked amazement in a member of the scientific community, Dr. Anthony Fauci. “Much like COVID-19, there’s still so much about Jim Jordan we don’t know,” he said.
Andy Borowitz is a Times best-selling author and a comedian who has written for The New Yorker since 1998. He writes The Borowitz Report, a satirical column on the news.