September 15, 2022
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The Federal Bureau of Investigation has seized the cell phone of Mike Lindell, better known as the MyPillow guy, in the belief that he may have “committed crimes beyond selling shitty pillows,” an F.B.I. spokesman has confirmed.
Although the F.B.I. took custody of Lindell’s phone, they did not seize any of his pillows. “Nobody wanted those,” the spokesman said.
Shortly after the seizure, Republicans claimed that the Attorney General, Merrick Garland, was acting out of a personal vendetta because he had purchased a MyPillow and had been upset by how shitty it was.
“I did not purchase a MyPillow,” Garland clarified in a prepared statement. “However, I have heard that they suck.”
Lindell received vehement support from another Republican luminary, Don Bolduc, the G.O.P. nominee for U.S. Senate in New Hampshire. “This is a rigged witch hunt,” Bolduc said. “The MyPillow guy has never sold a pillow.”
Andy Borowitz is a Times best-selling author and a comedian who has written for The New Yorker since 1998. He writes The Borowitz Report, a satirical column on the news.