By Andy Borowitz
December 13, 2021
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In his weekly appearance on “Fox News Sunday,” Chris Wallace told his viewers that he was “ecstatic” about never having to ride an elevator with Tucker Carlson again.
“After eighteen years at Fox, I’m excited about my next chapter,” a visibly giddy Wallace said. “And that’s because I’ll never again share an elevator with that unhinged sociopath Tucker Carlson.”
Wallace revealed that for years he “dreaded” stepping into an elevator at Fox for fear of an unwanted encounter with the execrable Carlson.
“On the occasions when I found myself in the same elevator as that bastard, I’d stare at my shoes and pray he wouldn’t strike up a conversation,” Wallace said. “Those minutes seemed like hours.”
“Even Hannity was better,” he added.
Stressing that his decision to leave Fox “wasn’t about money,” Wallace said, “At CNN+, I’ll never have to ride an elevator with Tucker Carlson, and you can’t put a price tag on that.”
Andy Borowitz is a Times best-selling author and a comedian who has written for The New Yorker since 1998. He writes The Borowitz Report, a satirical column on the news.